APH - SpaMano - Love, Antonio

Lovi – they told me you were in a car crash.
They were right; I'm standing by your bedside right now.
Feli was here earlier, but Ludwig took him home. He wouldn't stop crying. I'm not crying, even though I want to; this feels too much like a dream to be real. I'll wake up, and you'll be healthy and happy.
You look angry, even while unconscious. I bet you were cursing out the driver; that's something you'd do. I know because I know you.
Lovi, you should've looked. God, you should've looked. Please, I don't know what I'll do without you.
You need to recover.
Love, Antonio.

Day 2
I decided to number the days, because you'll want to know how long you were unconscious when you wake up. Because I know you'll wake up – you have to.
I slept at the hospital – okay, that's a lie. I couldn't sleep, not with you like you are, so I went to your house and got some of your paintings and your drawings. I put them all around your bed this morning, so it's like your home. An imitation.
I can imagine what you'd think if you heard all the praises the nurses have been giving. You'd blush and stutter and say it's not good, not as good as Feli's – but you're lying. You should stop comparing yourself to your brother. You are you. You're so talented; you don't even know, Lovi.
The hospital-people are letting me stay. Their food isn't as good as mine and everything's white and it smells sick, but it's worth it to see you.
You're stable now – you just have to wake up. Just open your eyes, squeeze my hand back, it's not hard!
I really wish you'd wake up, not that I have any doubt that you will. It's scary seeing you lying there, almost as white as the sheets with that stupid monitor beeping, but it's the only reassurance I have.
You really have to wake up, please.
Love, Antonio.

Day 3
Feliciano came by today. He sat by your side and babbled about pasta and Ludwig and everything that came to his mind. You'd have to know him to see he was trying not to cry; I'm surprised he's made it this far.
I talked to Ludwig; even he's worried about you. I know you don't like him, but he's concerned. Everyone wants you to get better, but none more than me. It's terrible just watching you sleep like you aren't ever going to wake up. You will, won't you?
The doctors say your chances are slim. I don't believe them; it's killing me Lovi. You're so pale and thin, and your eyes are closed so tightly, it's as if you don't ever want to open them.
Don't worry Lovino. I believe in you. I can wait.
Love, Antonio.

Day 4
Guess what Lovi? Our college acceptances came today! I hope you don't mind that I got your mail, but you'll thank me when you wake up. You got accepted, so don't worry. I know you were, even if you didn't say so.
I got accepted too so when you wake up, we'll go to the same college together, like it should be.
Your monitor went dead for a minute. You shouldn't scare me like that, Lovi! I think my heart stopped for a moment; we could've been in the same hospital together! I'm sure they'd let me room with you.
My god, Lovi, you need to get better. It's not worth it if you're not there; life, I mean.
Don't think I'm suicidal, only if you're…gone.
Do you think I'm a coward, if I can't even write that word? If I can't even imagine it? I hope you don't; your opinion matters.
I tell you this every day, but you need to get better. Please, Lovi, please.
I'm begging here; you've reduced me to pleading. You don't know what it's like, watching you; it's like there's a corpse in your place.
Sometimes I hold your hand, just to feel your pulse through your skin. It's faint, Lovi, but there. Barely.
I miss you Lovi, it's killing me here. Get better.
Love, Antonio.

Day 5
Days feel like years. Hours feel like weeks. But I know it'll be worth it when you wake up soon, which you will because I love you.
It's funny how easily I can write that, when I could never say it in life to your face. But that doesn't change how real it is.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
And I mean it Lovi. I remember when you were awake, and we'd be sitting on the park bench, and I'd compliment you so offhandedly. You'd blush adorably – like a tomato - and stutter, and I'd fall even more in love. With you, Lovi, with you.
Then you'd get angry – so cute- but I could see that you were hurt, thinking that I didn't mean it when I told you that you were beautiful, or adorable, or that you look like a tomato. But I mean it, so much that it hurts. I've never been more serious in my life, Lovi.
I think, out of everything physical (remember that Lovi! only physical!), I miss your eyes the most. I could read every thought you had through them – I guess eyes really are the windows to the soul. I miss your voice too; it was so beautiful to hear, like a ray of sunshine compacted into you.
You always say I'm too happy, but I think it's just from seeing you. You're always scowling, but your eyes are smiling.
Oh, I've made myself cry. I haven't cried yet, Lovi, because I know you'll wake up, and smile, and that'll make everything worthwhile. I miss you.
Right now, if you could read this, you'd probably be wondering what the thing I miss most is. Well, here it is:
You.
You'd think it's so cliché, but Lovi, it's true. Honest. You are you, Lovi. Your attitude, and your voice, and your eyes, and your damn curl, and the way you head butt me, and your tomato-blushes; it's all you.
Now I have to go, before I drown you and this page in tears, but I'll be back. You know I'll be back.
Love, Antonio

Day 6
Francis visited today. I know you don't like him – although I'll never understand why, you never give him a chance – but he was truly concerned, Lovi!
He came in and immediately gave me a hug, looking close to tears himself. See, he's not so bad!
So maybe the hug lasted a little longer than normal, but I needed to hug someone. I think you need a hug too, but you're still sleeping. Not dead – sleeping.
Francis told me what's happening outside of the hospital: Elizaveta and Roderich got engaged, stuff like that. It's strange to hear about it, like it's another person's friends and family we're talking about.
It felt so weird to talk so much; usually, I just talk to the nurses or you through this journal. My voice is scratchy.
Francis told me about how Gil started yelling about hitting the "birdie" while they were playing some sport, saying that it was cruel and inhumane. I didn't quite understand it.
I still smiled when he said that, but it didn't feel quite right. You weren't there to tell me how much of an idiot I looked like or how stupid Gil is. I felt like I was betraying you.
I know, I know, I didn't betray you by smiling. But you were still lying between us – you don't look angry anymore, you just look lost and alone.
But don't worry, I'll never leave.
Love, Antonio.

Day 7
They were operating or testing or something today, so I couldn't see you, but I watched from outside.
You looked so small, Lovi, like a child. You were so pale and still, I thought you were gone. You could've been.
I'm going to make the ink run if I continue, so I'll have to stop here.
Believe me, I'll never forget you.
Love, Antonio.

Day 8
Lovi...they said something's wrong with your brain. It's swelling, or the tissue is, and you need surgery.
Apparently, it's very risky. You could die, but you could wake up too, and hug me, and smile, and open your eyes...
They said they needed to put you in a barbituate coma, whatever that is. It'll decrease oxygen flow to your brain while they operate.
I think you should go for it Lovi. Don't worry about the money; Feli and I are handling it. Like I said, everyone wants you to get better.
But none more than me.
It feels like we've been here for weeks, and it's driving me insane.
You haven't changed. I feel like I've aged 80 years in these 8 days, and you stay young.
Like Sleeping Beauty. Do you remember that story Francis told us that fairytale? That sleeping lady who woke up from true love's kiss?
I wonder, if I kiss you, will you wake up? I don't dare, Lovi; I don't know how you'll feel. You've never shown any inclination of liking me in the past, but then again, I'm a bit dense, as you love to remind me.
I don't dare kiss you, even if you would wake up. If you were dying...I would.
Because I love our friendship almost - no, as much as I love you. And I wouldn't trade it for anything, even you waking up.
God, I feel like such an ass - or, as you would say, a bastard. I'm so selfish, that I wouldn't wake you up to risk our friendship.
Maybe I am selfish. But I look at you, and I just want you to wake up, and then I remember you, and I want you to wake up even more, but God, Lovi, I'm such a coward.
Maybe I should kiss you. You look so pale and small. Your skin is so white, it's almost translucent. Way too pale, you're too pale Lovi.
You should blush again.
Love, Antonio

Day 9
Operation Day, Lovi, aren't you excited!
The hospital kicked me out for the whole day, so I went out with Gilbert and Francis and a couple other people.
I had such fun, Lovi, but it wasn't right because you weren't there.
I'm back now, watching you. You never get boring, Lovi; I could watch you forever. I'd like to.
Gilbert and Francis were fun and all, but...they aren't you. You fascinate me, Lovino Vargas.
Why won't you just---
Sorry. The doctor came in. He said if all goes well, you should wake up in a week, give or take a day or two. Where was I?
A week might seem like short, but it's too long for me. But don't worry, Lovi; I'd wait forever for you.
I do love you Lovi. As soon as you wake up, I'll tell you. I swear I will.
Your breathing is deeper, I hope the surgery helped. Me and Feli, we helped get the money. Even your granddad helped! I hope you know how much I miss you.
Love, Antonio

Day 10
Ten days. Ten days. It seems like so much longer than that.
I wonder if you can hear me, Lovi, or if you know how much time has passed.
If you can hear me, you would know that I love you. I've told you so many times; the nurses are always cooing over us. They say it's a "tragic love" or something like that.
I don't want us to be tragic, Lovi; I want us to be happy. Actually that's wrong.
I want you to be happy.
I told you before - Day 8? - that I value out friendship more than anything. Well, I'm telling you now, I'd give up our friendship for your happiness.
If you didn't want to be friends with me, yes I'd probably cry. Most definitely. But I wouldn't ever talk to you again, just if I could see you smile in true happiness.
You're...gone Lovi. I can feel you slipping away from my fingers. I'm trying to keep you here, but you're leaving.
God, don't leave me Lovi. Come back to me.
Love, Antonio.

Day 11
I made a list of everything I'd give up for you! I'll put it in here so you can read it when you wake up - because you will wake up.
1) tomatoes (it's true)
2) Gilbert and Francis (I would)
3) everything
It seems short, but I couldn't fit everything onto it, so I shortened it to everything.
You wouldn't mind if I gave all this up for you, would you? Well, maybe not Gilbert and Francis.
But I know you wouldn't let me give up everything for you; you want me to be happy, but you think giving up everything for you wouldn't help.
I'd give it all up with a smile on my face and no regrets, just for you Lovi.
I know you; you want me to be happy, no matter what. You have a tendancy to do whatever you think makes me happy.
I won't be happy if you aren't.
Love, Antonio

Day 12
It's almost been two weeks. It seems so much longer - months or years even. If I could trade places with you, Lovi, I would.
You probably wouldn't let me.
Anyway, it's not like I'd get a choice.
I wonder, if I was in a crash, would you be by my bedside?
I wouldn't mind if you weren't; I want you to live your life. You probably want me to, but I'm not budging on this.
I can't take much more before I fully crack, Lovi. You're not moving...it's so scary.
Everyone's moving on, now...everyone but me. Even Feli. He hasn't forgotten you, but he's...moved on.
I won't ever, ever leave you.
Love, Antonio

Day 13
The nurses know me by name now...that's a bit sad, isn't it? You'd laugh, Lovi, if you were awake.
Lovino Vargas, you have to wake up. God, Lovi, it's killing me to just stand by and do nothing. You need to be happy again.
The leaves are starting to change now; you always told me that you loved this season for that. All the colors.
I remember when we were walking in the park, and I said something, and you pushed me into a pile of leaves. Of course, you were blushing.
I miss you, so so much. You don't even know how much.
It's weird; I didn't think it was possible to feel this much. It seems like my whole life is based around you now.
I don't want it to change. I want to be based around you forever. Like I said before, you fascinate me.
You and your blushes and your way you stutter and the way you hit me. It's all so confusing, but...I don't want it to leave.
You can't leave.
You can't leave me.
Love, Antonio

Day 14
2 weeks since I started numbering this journal. 2 weeks since that crash.
It makes me so angry that they can't do anything about it. The drunk guy, in the other car, he only got fined! And the doctors, they don't know what to do!
I know what to do; I'll wait. I'll wait for you to open your eyes and smile. I don't care if it takes forever.
You have to wake up soon, though, or you'll miss Bella's birthday, and you know how upset she'll be about that!
The nurses told me that you were their favorite patient because of me. They said it was because I was always there.
I told them I'd be there until you woke up. The blonde nurse, the one that reminds me of Katyusha (she's got the same hair and body, but don't worry, Lovi, I only love you!), she giggled at that, and the redhead, like Elizaveta with shorter hair, pulled her away.
So now we're alone again. Alone, alone.
Can you tell I'm starting to break, Lovi? Can you see through the cheerful facade I present?
I can't wait until the day I get to talk to you again. Until I can hug you, and kiss you, and finally tell you how much you mean to me...
Love, Antonio

Day 15
Lovi! They say you're going to wake up soon! But if you don't, they'll have to declare you lost...
I know you're going to wake up though, so I'm not afraid!
...Okay, I'm afraid. I'm so, so terrified that you won't wake up, and you'll leave me alone.
Don't leave me alone. Just don't.
I love you. I love you so much it hurts, and watching you waste away is hell.
So please, please open your eyes and tell me it's alright. Please.
Love, Antonio